Diary Archive

2020-10-04: that new star war game

So, there's a new star war game out. Star Wars Squadrons. And it's a space combat sim - a genre that we haven't seen much of in recent history, except maybe for Elite Dangerous which always seemed overly complicated to me TBH. Now we've got, really, a successor and modernisation and streamlining of the classic X-Wing game series. With maybe a bit of Wing Commander DNA in there too (at least the structure of the between-mission bits of the campaign feels very Wing Commander to me).

So, most of you who know me probably have heard my claim that TIE Fighter is the best computer game ever, so you can probably gather that I'm something of a fan of the genre. But what particularly excites me about this game is the multiplayer! When I was a mere youth, back in the Distant Past, I actually used to play the game X-Wing Alliance online quite a lot, competitively! There was a league and everything. And while I've been enjoying the campaign of Squadrons so far, I'm actually quite keen to get into the multiplayer. So that means you, if you're reading this, should get the game and play it with me! I promise to shout things like "stay on target" and "lock s-foils in attack position" and "Gamma One is the Emperor's stool pigeon" into the voice chat.

I feel I also need to mention the X-Wing novel series, because it's great. I'm very disappointed that the pilot customisation doesn't have a "horse's head" option (yet).

Dang, I am reminiscing about when I was like 13 or something. The past is weird!

2020-08-01: What's in a name?

Probably not much to say. I kinda am having second thoughts about the last post. I think I'll probably just stick with being Mickey for now. IDK, names and gender are fucking weeeeeeeeeeeeeird right?

I feel weirdly lonely and disconnected lately. Pretty sure this is still isolation related. But like I'll feel like an alien.

It's hard to concentrate on stuff too sometimes. This seems like a problem.

Current state of the world sure doesn't help though

2020-07-11: Gender

So, being the big fat queer babe that I am, I guess lately I have been thinking a bit about gender and identity and all that. I've sort of been thinking about name stuff, since like there is a potential for me legally changing my name if I want to - apparently in Victoria if you file the paperwork at the same time as the gender change paperwork you basically only have to pay one application fee, which has its advantages.

So like, I could change it legally to Mickey, but there's other stuff that's been on my mind lately. Like, if you know me you'll know that I can be pretty femme, even though notionally I'm nonbinary and gender-fluid and such. But like let's say if I do change my first name to Mickey, I'd probably want to keep my middle name. And it's fairly masculine. And like, in the back of my head, there's kind of a "what if I had a more explicitly femme name" thought there. Maybe it's related to the "what if I'm a girl" thoughts I have at times, it is COMPLICATED let me tell you! But like, maybe what I could do is add an extra middle name, like a more femme one, and go by that.

Anyway, I'm thinking of being Mickey Millicent Paul Lastname, and I'm kinda trying out asking friends to call me Millie, to see if I like it. I think I kinda am into it so far, I like the sort of more explicitly femme feeling of it. Like going by Mickey and like with the way I often present in public I feel like people are just sort of thinking "Mickey is a guy" whether consciously or subconsciously. So I kind of want a more overtly femme name there to kind of kick society in the face about that aspect of my gender, I guess. I don't think I want to stop going by Mickey, just have this in the mix as another name I can go by.

Gender is an interesting thing. Like, I think for me it kind of is something that exists at the boundary space between myself and how I relate to other people - kind of like me wanting to say "this is who I want you to see me as and this is how I want you to relate to me". And names, as well as presentation etc, are kinda part of that, because all this stuff is coded all sorts of ways I guess, so it's how I communicate how I want to be perceived. If that makes sense. It maybe doesn't. Who knows.

Anyway, hi, I'm Millie. Or Mickey. Or Milky, if you ABSOLUTELY must lol. Or Mikey, if and only if you are family.

So that's what I think about when I'm lying in bed right before I go to sleep, I guess.

2020-06-28: it's probably my bedtime

Late night post. I've finished Kimagure Orange Road, that series is so fucking good. Not sure what anime to really dive into next, I've enjoyed Aura Battler Dunbine but I just want another series like KOR I think. Not sure what that series could be yet, feel free to make suggestions.

World still bad, covid-19 hotspots in Melbourne etc. Gotta balace remaining aware somehow and looking after my mental health. Not sure if I can do that very well.

I've been ordering a lot of nice shiny new discs. It is possible that I'm buying too many. I think I'll be OK but like yeah idk. It's probably like a coping mechanism, giving me nice exciting life things. I guess. I wanna be able to go out and see people again! And I mean people other than my family, haha. It's hard, I did manage to catch up with someone but like I just feel so cooped up. But like right now I don't think I'd really want to travel into Melbourne or anything. I guess normally I get like some social interaction and a change of scene from going into work. It's odd that so many people are like "working from home is great, I want to do this all the time" because for me it's like "argh I'm in this building all the time, I miss going into the office and actually SEEING people". Maybe those people have more interesting home lives than me, I don't know.

Christ, that's a lot. I guess I am continuing to not do great. I've got like almost an hour of footage of me talking about tiny games machines that I need to edit into a video at some point, but that still hasn't happened. Will it happen? Who knows. Would anyone watch it? Well, nobody really watches any of my videos unless it's an unboxing of something really cool and topical, so probably not. And my logic on video making is if I enjoy the process, so maybe I'll get back to editing it sometime.

Anyway, let me know if there's any good anime like KOR that you'd recommend. So like, some combination of sweet and fluffy and romantic and 80s as all fuck. You know what, let me know in my guestbook. See that link on the top right? Click it and use that technology! (Or, like, tell me by other means but it's more fun if you write in my guestbook!)

I guess I was trying to do this weekly but I didn't write anything last week. Oh well time is meaningless and everything blurs together.


Outside world: still horrifying. Or at least that's how it looks from Twitter. I haven't really been out in it. Is this a significant contributor to my poor mental health? Probably. Let's talk about games or something.

Persona 4 finally hit PC. It's taken bloody ages to do so. I guess Atlus finally realised PCs exist or something. Has it aged poorly? Possibly, I know that one writer guy seems to have some iffy ideas. Does it take bloody ages to get going as a game? Yes it seriously does, and firing it up briefly this morning reminded me of that. So much scene-setting before they actually go inside the TV, christ almighty.

I've been messing around with old PC games a bit today (you know, as you do) trying to get them running nicely so I can have a neat little shortcut in my GOG Galaxy. Mostly, this involves setting up DOSBox, of course. But it's occurred to me that there's an interesting hole in terms of getting old PC games running - namely the realm of 16-bit Windows applications. See, with pure DOS stuff, that's where DOSBox comes in and it generally does a fine job. And with more recent Windows software (i.e. 32-bit executables and such) those will in theory run natively on modern Windows, although often this needs to be helped along with funny DLLs to make two-decade old versions of DirectX work and such. But with 16-bit Windows, often what you need to do is install actual Windows inside DOSBox. Which is not ideal, to be honest. I did briefly try out a piece of software called winevdm, that essentially works like wine on a linux box to run 16-bit windows software on modern 64-bit Windows. I have only very briefly tried it out though, without much luck yet. But I'm definitely curious and I'll probably tinker some more.

In the realm of anime, I'd been watching a fair amount of Kimagure Orange Road and I'm inching ever so closer and closer to the end. That really is a fucking great series, tbh. Also: Sailor Stars.

I just tried out that winevdm thing - it actually kinda sorta works. Although maybe not super well. The world of Windows 3.1 games is pretty narrow, so who knows if it'll get much attention. SimTower seemed to run albeit without audio.

I think I'd like to see people IRL again and go out. I dunno how much is "oh there's still covid so maybe I shouldn't" and how much is the whole anxiety thing combined with like many months of being a recluse. It is really tricky.

Anyway, that's some words.

2020-06-09: feeling exhausted

Well, the world is absolutely wild and not great in multiple dimensions. The global pandemic that is COVID-19 continues, and protests against police brutality and mistreatment of people of colour have been responded to... by police doing more police brutality. End result for me being that I'm basically cooped up at home and the internet is not always conducive to my mental health being great.

So yeah this is going to be a bit self-indulgent, but I suppose that's the point of a diary. I feel kinda alone and a bit unsure about everything. I'm wondering if maybe I'm not eating right, since this evening I just feel kinda faint, which is maybe a blood sugar thing? Anyway I probably do not want to go into much detail here.

I wanna talk about anime I've been enjoying lately. Kimagure Orange Road is super good and I'm getting near to the end - I think the next episode is when it starts having the third OP so there's only like 12 episodes left to go (and then the OVAs and movie). It's a really good show though and I love all the fluffy 80s hair

It's occurred to me that not getting out really at all is maybe part of the problem with my moods. Like I'm basically always here, right where I'm typing this. Is this too much of a public space to write this sort of thing? I'm not sure.

Oh also I have been playing the Command and Conquer Remastered Collection. It's actually really good, like I have many memories of these games as a kid and it's a lot easier now that there's an easy mode lol. So that's been fun.

This post is a bit all over the place, huh? Sorry about that. And sorry if it's a bit intense.

Update: if you're reading this, I think I'll be OK. But I'm sure I'd appreciate someone saying hi if you want to do that.

2020-05-30: A reformatting of sorts

So, once again I was reminded of the distasteful nature of modern social media platforms, and all their metrics and "likes" and influencers and whatnot. And that led me to remember this little site, that I keep thinking I ought to do something with. So now I am - I'm repurposing the "news" section into essentially "news about my life" as opposed to "site update news" which I've moved to the front page. So yes I've just reinvented blogs but with the difference of I'm having to HTML this all by hand instead of using fucking wordpress or some shit. And there's no bloody comments section, just gestures to the guestbook link up above. So please feel free to comment there!

Anyway, modern internet. I keep wanting to call it "web 2.0" except that's been a term that's been around for so long that I think we're at least up to "web 3.11 for workgroups" now. But whatever. I wanna be free of it. As such, this!

Life at the moment is a bit empty feeling, what with the pandemic and all. Like, I am not the most social person anyway, but like it's one thing to spend most of my free time at home staring at this screen but it's another thing to spend literally ALL of my time at home staring at this screen. I'm keeping going though, somehow. Lots of social times with internet people

I've been getting through a fair amount of anime lately, as well as Star Trek. Increasingly I think it's Star Trek that I'm particularly a fan of, like that is the thing I can dive into and enjoy and all. I've been working on perfecting my video collection of it - including getting the one slipcover that I'm missing for season 3 of TOS. And I've been slowly making my way through TNG - after that I'll be able to rewatch DS9 and go through Voyager and then finally give Enterprise a proper watch.

I guess this section is more of a diary than a news section so I guess I'll rename it "diary" or some such. I think I'll try and write a new entry every weekend, we'll see how I go